


Bright Lights

by brightasstars



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, Happy Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Healing, Light Angst, M/M, People Change People, Protective Alec Lightwood, Silver fox Magnus Bane, Strangers to Lovers, Younger Alec Lightwood, background crime scene, overcoming fears and insecurities
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-08
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:55:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 21,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25772425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brightasstars/pseuds/brightasstars
Summary: After years of searching for the one who could love him unconditionally, heart and soul, Magnus has retreated himself into his shell, scared and lost. The will and the need to help a little boy who is the only witness of a brutal crime leads him unexpectedly to meet Alec, a young man who's past life has forced to grow up quicker and wiser, and...unbelievably kind.Magnus walks into Alec's life as if he had always been there, and Alec welcomes him as if his heart was a home built just for him. Alec knows and Magnus knows, but...will they?
Relationships: Magnus Bane & Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 75
Kudos: 166





	1. Accidentally Stumbling on You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [NvrLndBoi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NvrLndBoi/gifts).



> This was written for the Exchange Fic Event - Hunters Moon Discord Server and it was written for the amazing  
> [NvrLndBoi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NvrLndBoi/pseuds/NvrLndBoi)
> 
> Hi!!!!!!! I am your suprise gifter! So... this one was completely written while sprinting with you and it has been so fun...so many nights ... talking about this gift, and the art...We barely knew before, but now I am so glad that somehow I had the chance to gift this to you, precious one. I really hope you'll like it!  
> Thanks for the help you shared along the way (even tonight, keeping me company while editing with music and explaining me how to make this drafts thing function!)  
> Enjoy!
> 
> Thanks to all my sprinting friends on HM!!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I wasn't looking for you. I wasn't expecting you." - E. Dickisnon

“Cat? Yeah it’s me, Magnus," it still felt strange to call her again after all they had been through into those last years, after he had almost destroyed a lifetime of friendship, "Can we meet at lunch somewhere? I need to talk to you. No… Don’t worry, no new love, it’s just work, but it’s urgent. Yeah, perfect. Same place ok, 1 pm.”

Cat and Ragnor had opened their arms again to him, the instant he'd remained alone and lost, as if nothing had ever happened, but things weren't already as they were, before Camille came into his life and tore it apart, piece by piece.

  
  


Magnus was the district attorney of the county and he lived in a small town; he was the most outstanding exponent of the LGBT Community, committed to his job and approaching the end of a year that had been a heartbreaking journey to find himself again after almost six years of straying.

Grown in foster care, he ended up studying law in one of the most prestigious Universities, working while studying, fighting hard to reach the point where he was now, a lone ranger, a free spirit, never hiding his personality and his relationships. He was smart, probably far more than the average men of his age, his language was flowery, he had a great sense of humor and no one could hold a candle at him in court. He had knocked down the prejudices and the stereotypes that filled the patriarchal and masculinist world of lawyers and attorneys, demonstrating each and every day how good he was at his job, despite his fancy clothes, his make-up, and his styled hair.

Magnus was stubborn and firmly believed that changes should be pursued from the inside, so he made his way into the system and finally found his place. Nowadays he was highly considered by his coworkers and subordinates, and by his enemies too. 

_Respect_. That's what he had gained and built for himself throughout the years.

Even if he had never been interested in politics, he never missed a pride parade, a public meeting or event to support the rights of the minorities in his town, winning the hatred of Robert Lightwood, the conservative and bigot mayor of the town, incapable of standing against his party to make his own statements about things, and blindly following the rules without any critical thinking in between.

Always more inclined to fall in love with the sparkles he saw in another's eye, male or female alike, he had finally ended up in a long, toxic relationship with a woman who had left him just eleven months before. 

He and Camille had had a couple of years of honeymoon at the very beginning of their story, then her true self started to come out. 

She was extremely jealous of Magnus, she owned him and claimed him as if he was a property, an object, and she forced him to abandon his friends and to change his life for her. 

After two years of something who seemed like love to Magnus, Camille moved from one obsession to another.

First came the _marriage_ thing. Magnus had never believed in the institution of marriage, he never needed a paper to enshrine a relationship, but she kept telling him that if he loved her, he had to marry her, that’s how things went. 

Magnus wasn’t sure at all of that choice, he knew by then that Camille was extremely volatile and he didn't trust her, still, as she was literally going mad, he finally had proposed to her. She had planned a huge shining marriage, just to back off and change her mind only a month before the wedding. She told Magnus that she'd realized why he never needed a piece of paper, and that she preferred to leave things as they were. _Partners_ she said, and Magnus, of course, had agreed.

After turning down Magnus’ proposal, soon came another obsession.

_Kids_. Camille believed that their relationship would have benefited from the adoption of a son or a daughter, but she would have never given birth herself, since she didn’t want to ruin her body with a pregnancy. 

Magnus objected in the first place, because he believed that kids weren’t the right solution to relationships problems. More also, in his experience, adopted kids needed even more presence, more attention, a true commitment and a natural parenting inclination, all things that weren’t Camille’s thing. Still, he hadn’t been capable of saying no to her, and they had started the path for the adoption.

No one had ever fully and completely understood what kind of spell that woman had put on Magnus, cause she was nothing like he was. 

Magnus was kind, she was spiteful; Magnus was wise, she was thoughtless; Magnus was sympathetic, she was indifferent; Magnus was a hard working man, she was just good at wasting money; Magnus cared about people, Camille only cared about things and herself, and Camille hated these sides of Magnus with all her heart.

It took Magnus more than five years to understand that she had reduced him to a hollow shell. She had deprived him of everything, his lifestyle, his friends, his self-esteem, everything. 

Fortunately Cat and Ragnor had had enough patience to stand beside him despite the fact that they hated Camille with all their hearts.

At the end of the last summer, on one very hot day, Camille had gathered all her things and left their house, leaving behind just a small note saying “ _Don’t search for me_ ”, and a heart literally shattered in pieces.

Magnus should have felt relieved to be finally free from that woman, but instead, he had undergone a severe emotional breakdown, after realizing how many years he had lost living in the shadow of such a fool. She had never loved him for who he was. Maybe she had been attracted to his career, his position, his public figure, his money; but domestic, quiet, kind, affectionate Magnus, wasn’t what she was searching for in a man.

Magnus was turning 40 at the end of the year, he was still as handsome as he had always been, maybe even more, with a little grey hair on his temples, a color that he didn’t mind to cover, since he used to paint some locks in silver even when he was younger.

His short goatee had some shades of grey in it too, and Magnus matched that color applying a light grey eyeshadow and black eyeliner, all the aesthetic he conceded himself since he had become single again.

He sometimes missed two arms around him at night, but as soon as he remembered what _love_ had done to him, the idea left his mind.

He had resumed his lunch breaks with Catarina and Ragnor, his lifelong friends, who were happily married and had a girl, Madzie. 

He was always happy when he had an excuse to meet them, even if it was just for a quick lunch. He had many years to make up to.

  
  


He parked his car just beside the coffee where they used to meet since they were kids at school, and made his entrance in the local bar, all dressed in a grey striped suit, with a burgundy shirt underneath, and a black silky tie that shone under the shining light of the sun.

He saw Ragnor sitting at a table at the end of the big hall, waving his hand up high.

“Magnus!”

He adjusted his tie and rushed toward them, he was late, again.

“Hi guys, all good? Sorry I'm late... I’ve just forty-five minutes, I need to be back in court soon,” he said, sitting in front of Ragnor.

“Are you ok?” Cat asked him, “you look…sleep deprived…Still having problems falling asleep?”.

Magnus nodded, shrugging, “Yes, I still do sometimes. It's... well…, you know…”

His eyes shaded a bit and Cat just knew. She reached out with her hand and skimmed her fingers on his cheek.

Ragnor broke in, “We’ve ordered your favorite salad, is that ok?”

Magnus smiled, “Sure, of course.”

“So what do you need, Mr. District Attorney?” Cat asked.

“I have this case I’ve been assigned to… it’s a sad one, a murder, drug smuggling. The problem is that the only witness is a deaf boy of 6 years old. He is in foster care after his parents have been brutally killed, the police found him hidden in the closet after the murder, so we suppose he has seen everything. It seems they have finally found the two men and…well, …I need to interrogate him and see if his version of things is strong enough to bring it into trial and use it against them.”

“So? What can we do for you?” Cat asked.

In the meantime the waiter arrived with their brunches ready on a tray and put the plates on the table.

“I was wondering if in your Multispecialist Medical Center… you have someone you trust that speaks the sign language…,”

“A certified one? Because otherwise there’s Alec,...”

“Well, that’s why I said _a trusted one_ , because if you trust him, I trust him too… I could sign him to the next session of the certifying examination for the court's technical consultants.”

“We trust Alec blindly, Magnus. He’s a cleaner, but this job serves him to pay his rent and his Ph.D. He currently speaks sign language, he has learnt it taking evening lectures at his University, he translates the lessons for deaf students, he’s amazing with kids, patient and kind, playful and reassuring, and an incredible listener, he minds his own business and he’s not scared to turn the world upside down if something right has to be done. We trust him with our lives, with Madzie, with our home and our workplace.”

“How is that you never mentioned him to me before?” and Cat glared at him.

“Do you really want us to remind you that up to ten months ago you didn’t talk to us anymore because your _nearly_ wife believed that we were letting you fuck all your practitioners in our medical rooms? Alec baby-sitted Madzie in all these years you’ve been …”

“... _away…,_ ” Magnus sadly continued, “I’m so sorry guys, I could never amend enough for how I behaved and treated you.”

Cat immediately regretted being so bitter and resentful, she knew how much Magnus had been suffering, but sometimes the anger she felt for how he had let her transform him into another man, couldn’t be withheld. She was still mad at him sometimes, for all those years of fights, misunderstandings, and useless disputes. 

Ragnor instead, who knew Magnus' heart and insecurities better, had never blamed him too much, he had always been more worried and sad for him. Ragnor had seen from the very beginning how bad that thing would have ended, when Camille would have got tired of her new toy.

“I’m sorry too, Magnus, I didn’t mean to make you feel guilty. Let’s pretend we’ve never mentioned her, okay? So…, speaking of Alec, I could ask him and if he’s ok with that, I will give you his number and you will arrange everything with him ok?”

“Sure guys, thank you. If he could meet me next Thursday it will be perfect, since the lodging of the procedural documents it’s due on Friday, and if he’s in, I have to put his personal details in there.”

“He might be the one to bring some order into your screwed up working schedules and timings. You’ll enjoy working with him,” Ragnor assured him, knowing that Magnus needed someone to complement his genial though chaotic brain.

“Not to mention he’s handsome as fuck.” Cat smirked, with the same grin she used to wear on her face when they were vying for the one who would have hooked up the hottest guy of the campus, before that night in which Ragnor saw her under a completely new light and...that had become a story to tell Madzie.

“Oh please, Cat, stop this. I’m old and it’s quite obvious now that intimate relationships aren’t exactly _my strength_ , so… I’d better keep off,” and on those last words he stood up, pushing his chair under the table.

“There’s no danger in enjoying the view…, though… _Mr. Kindness_ would do good to you, let's give him a call now, maybe he will be ok to come to your office earlier…"

Magnus rolled his eyes and took his wallet from his back pocket, “Cat come on…," but she had already taken her phone and dialed.

"Cat?" 

_Fuck_ , if that voice was the _entree_ , what was the main course?

"Hi, Alec, sorry to bother you, I needed to ask you something, a favour, a personal one…"

"Is it about Madzie? I had an appointment with Izzy tonight but, I totally can reschedule it if you need me," and she gave Magnus a knowing look, as if she wanted to say -- _see? Told you!...-_

 _"_ No Alec, it's not about Madzie this time, it's...well my friend Magnus who's right next to me, he's a district attorney and he’s searching for an sign language translator, will you talk to him and see if you can help?"

"Now?" he seemed surprised.

"No, no," Magnus intervened, "...ah and hi Alec, it's Magnus, not now of course, tomorrow my office?"

"Oh, yeah, hi ...sure, tomorrow is perfect, I can join you after I'm done with work if it's not too late for you."

Magnus grinned at Cat and answered, "...as my dear friend Catarina says, my working schedule is already fucked up so...come and join the chaos."

What was about that man that intrigued Alec, only in hearing his voice, he couldn't tell, as he samely couldn't miss the quick shiver that ran down his spine.

"Sure, see you tomorrow and…"

"I'll send you my address."

Cat closed the call, a satisfied laugh on her face.

"I have to go guys," Magnus said turning toward the counter, "thanks for everything.”

“Wait," his phone buzzed in his pocket, "Alec's number, and Magnus? It’s amazing being able to have you like this again. We’ve missed you so much.”

He winked and smiled, then paid the bill and headed to his car again, four more hours to freedom!


	2. The Beginning of Forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Whatever you think you are seeking, it won't come the way you are expecting" - H. Murakami

Alec took the steps two at a time with his long slender legs, it was almost dinner time and the old Victorian building where Magnus’ office was, stood out against the twilight sky, bathed in a rosy-orange light that made the walls seem somehow darker than Alec remembered them. 

He used to go there with his father sometimes, when he had political meetings, back to the days were he was just the Lightwood eldest son, the one on whom his father had put all his hopes, because, _yes_ , Alec had always been damn smart, until the day he suddenly turned untrustworthy, the day his father discovered he liked boys and not girls.

  
  
  
  


That night was still vividly impressed in Alec’s memory. He had just turned eighteen, his crush and first date ever had driven him home, and tried to kiss him, gently brushing his lips against Alec’s. It had been just it, a gentle, chaste first kiss between two young boys who were just discovering love.

Alec hadn’t noticed his father was peeking from their bedroom window. As he entered the house, he found Robert waiting for him in front of the stairs, arms crossed on his chest, a judging expression on his face, a luggage near his legs, and Alec understood and paled.

“Are you willing to fix this or not?” his voice was glacial and distant, a tone Alec wasn’t used to since Robert had always talked to him with gentleness, encouragement and respect. 

He cleared his throat trying to choose his words wisely. He was who he was, wasn’t he? He had known this for a while now and well, there was nothing that could change how he felt about men and how he felt about women. 

Alec had always known what his father thought about gay people, about cultural differences, he knew his ethnic stupid convinctions, and Robert didn’t seem happy with what he’d just seen but maybe he would have heard him out? Maybe he would have let him explain? 

Alec had fought hard against himself with force and brutality trying to fit in the expectations his family had on him.

His first reaction had been a deep, forceful denial, to the point that he had forced himself to date a girl for a couple of times.

Then he had walked the path of resignation, he would have never had a happy love life as Jace and Izzy had.

When pushing back his feelings had become almost unbearable, he chose to hide. If Izzy could sneak out at night to have sex with that blue haired guy without being caught, why couldn't he dream to have a secret boyfriend?

And now? Now he had this shy kind boyfriend and he was tired of living a lie. So he decided it was time to lay his cards on the table.

“Fix what, dad? The fact that I like boys? Because there’s nothing to fix in this. It's a matter of fact. Actually, it’s been a while now that I wanted to tell you. I like boys and Andrew is my boyfriend.”

“It’s a disease, Alec. I’m taking you to a psychiatric unit, right now," Alec's legs trembled under the violence of those words.

“A what? My brain is perfectly functioning, dad! I don’t need any psychiatric treatment. Times have changed, dad, come on, and you're the only one who refuses to acknowledge this. For how long are you willing to deny that there is no right way to love and be loved back?”

“That’s not love, it’s unnatural."

“I’m eighteen now, you can’t force me to do that. I won’t do that.”

“This is my last offer, Alec. Don’t force me to throw you out of this house and disown you, you’re my son and I love you.”

“What’s love got to do with this, dad? To love is to accept, to hear, to understand, " his voice was trembling and tears were gathering in his eyes.

“I will tell you one more time, Alec. Or you accept to come to a doctor that I will choose for you, or you will never be a part of this family anymore and in this case, you can leave now.”

In the meantime Maryse and his siblings had gathered on the steps, awakened by their high-pitched voices.

“Dad…, you can’t be serious,” Jace tried to speak but Robert immediately cut him off, “Shut up! This is my home and he’s my son, and I won’t let him tarnish our name and our family for a _whim_.”

“A whim, dad? Is that what you think it is? Have you any idea of how hard it is to discover that you’re different, accept it and make peace with that? There have been days, dad, when I wanted to die. It took me years to decide that I don’t want to hide in the corner anymore, that I don't deserve that, that I have the right to love and be loved just as you all do. Do you really think I would have gone through all this for a _whim?_ ”

“I don’t care what it is, Alec, it has to stop, now. Otherwise, you know where the door is.”

Alec looked at Jace and Izzy, their eyes were red for the tears, then at Max, who clearly wasn’t understanding anything of what was happening, and finally at Maryse, who was hopelessly staring at him, with pleading eyes, begging him to stay, to accept whatever deal his father was offering him, not having the strength to stand up against her husband to defend her son.

Alec felt his heart clench at the sight, nodded sadly, took the bag in his hands, and silently walked off from his house, for the last time.

  
  
  
  
  


He moved his shoulders when he arrived at the end of the steps, as if to shrug off those images and voices. He thought about the evocative power that places had on memories. Only the sight of that building had opened that rift, again. He exhaled deeply and entered the building. The security stopped him right after the entrance.

“Do you have an appointment?”

“Ah, yes. Mr. Bane, the District Attorney.”

The security took the intercom and dialed a number. “Mr. Bane? There is a man here at the entrance who says he has an appointment with you. Are you Alec?” the man asked him.

“Yes, Alec Lightwood.”

“Mr. Bane is coming to pick you. Wait here.”

Magnus flinched on the other side of the phone. Could it be? Nah, it couldn’t. He probably heard it wrong. He closed the call and went to the ground floor to meet the man.

He had to admit, Cat hadn’t exaggerated, the view was spectacular. Tall, slender but toned, black wavy hair, thick arms...and when he turned to look at him, Magnus was greeted by the pair of the most deep and beautiful blue eyes he had ever seen in his life, so intriguing that he had to push back a gasp. The man was younger than him, probably in his thirties, maybe not even that.

Alec on his side felt his heart stop when he saw Magnus. He was the sexy handsome president of the LGBT Local Association, he had seen him many times on TV and even at public rallies, where he was arguing with his father about freedom, families, about the right to be whoever you decided to be. Alec admired him, he always had, since the first time he heard him speaking, maybe even more than that.

Despite the promising premises, Magnus needed to figure out who the guy really was.

“Hi, I’m Magnus, Magnus Bane, Catarina and Ragnor friend,” and he extended his hand to Alec, showing him a welcoming smile.

“Alec, Alec Lightwood.”

Magnus’ face instantly turned serious, as if someone had just slapped his face.

“Then I think you’re in the wrong place, man. You can go back to wherever you need to be.”

“Mr. Bane, wait, what...let me explain...”

“There’s nothing to explain boy, I’m not willing to accept the help from any members of the Lightwoods family, and...say _-hi-_ to Robert!” he turned on his heels and ran away too fast for Alec to do anything.

Magnus grabbed his phone, he was furious. He had no time left to find another translator.

“Magnus, hi…, “ Cat answered, “...have you already talked to Alec? Cause I was thinking he had just arrived there…”

“How could you do that to me? Seriously Cat, I… I can’t believe it!”

“What are you fucking talking about Magnus? Calm down ok?”

“How could you send me a Lightwood? Ugh? In my office? To work with me? How can you ask me to trust him? How…,” he was shouting so much that he never heard Cat calling his name on the other side of the phone, until she decided she had enough.

“STOP! MAGNUS BANE, STOP! OK? WILL YOU LISTEN, ONCE? ONLY ONCE IN YOUR FUCKING LIFE?”

Magnus stopped babbling.

“Robert Lightwood has thrown Alec out of his house when he was only eighteen, he has never returned back since then, he secretly meets his siblings sometimes, he’s nothing to do with his father… How could you have doubted me, uhm? Now _**you**_ tell me, idiot!”

“I… I didn’t know… I heard his name and…”

“...and did what? Threw him away? Without letting him explain anything? Am I wrong?”

Magnus inhaled a short breath, knowing he had fucked up everything, “No, you’re right.”

“Duh! Magnus, come on. You have to fix this ok? You have to fix it before he comes to work tomorrow and I won’t help you! You have his number, put it at good use.”

“Cat? I’m sorry…”

“It’s not me you have to apologize to! It’s him!” and she closed the call.

Alec wasn’t even mad at Magnus, he was used to people that didn’t want nothing to do with his father, he was ready for Cat to call and apologize and tell him that she didn’t know and…, it had happened so many times. 

He answered his phone without even checking who it was, “Yeah,” he was a little out of breath since he’d just got down from his motorbike.

Silence. 

“Is anyone there?…” He was about to hang up when he heard someone speaking.

“Ah, Alec…,” and he recognized the voice, “it’s...Magnus, we have just met, well, not really I might say… but ehm... I ...called to apologize and ask you if we could still meet this evening? It’s kind of important and urgent?”

Alec stopped in his tracks as he repeated the words in his head, did he just? Yes he did.

“Oh, sure! I can come back to your office just let me…”

“No, no, the office has been closed after I left… ah… if you don’t mind, what about my place? It’s not that far from the office, do you need me to pick you up? I’m still in my car…”

“Ah,no thanks, chat me the address, I’ll be there soon.”

The guy didn’t even flinch when he'd heard Magnus’ voice… _strange_ , Magnus thought, he should have been mad at him. Then he remembered how Cat had called him… _Mr. Kindness_ … and he smiled.

He quickly thought if he had something to cook and some drinks, and headed home.

When the bell rang, the dinner was already on the table.

Magnus wiped his wet hand on the cloth and went to open the door.

There stood Alec, cheeks flushed, a motorcycle helmet hanging from his forearm, a black leather jacket, deep blue eyes and...two beers? 

Magnus wanted to say something but the words got stuck in their way out, so he remained there on the threshold, staring at that young man who had bought some beers to drink, just after Magnus had kicked him out of his office.

Alec broke that awkward silence with a light chuckle, “Ah...I brought these, hope you like them.”

_Was he real? Or was he an hallucination?_

Magnus smiled and moved aside, to let Alec in. 

“I love that brand, Alec, thank you. I didn’t deserve such a kind gesture after how I’ve treated you before. I’m sorry, truly sorry. I just got carried away and let what I think about your father cloud my mind."

“Don’t worry,” Alec said, entering and hanging his jacket to the coat rack, waving his hand through his hair in the ridiculous hope to fix them, “I’m… I’m used to this. I always have to explain how things are between me and my family, especially in certain settings where my father is...well… disliked, but I suppose Cat has already told you everything if you called me back, right?”

How could be so _ok_ with all that?

“Ah, well, not everything in detail, but, yes, the big picture.”

“You cooked?” Alec asked in surprise seeing a laid-out table for two.

“Yes, I hope you don’t mind spicy food.”

Alec seemed puzzled by the statement.

“Mind? Why would I? No one ever cooks for me, so… it’s a first.” and with a gracious move, too fluid for being that tall, he followed Magnus into the dining room.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	3. A Soft Heart in a Hard World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "We think too much and feel too little. More than machinery we need humanity. More than cleverness we need kindness and gentleness. Without these qualities, life will be violent and all will be lost..."  
> \- Charles Chaplin

Magnus put the cold beers on the table and gestured Alec to sit in front of him, opening the first bottle and pouring some into the blue glasses. 

He raised his head and his eyes met Alec who was openly smiling at him, his lips slightly curved at the end, big blue eyes clear and sincere, a three days unshaved black beard, an arrow earring on his left lobe. He was handsome, Magnus couldn't deny it.

He handed him one of the glasses, sipping his own, "I want to apologize properly, Alec. I'm not that rude usually and I don't judge people from their appearance or from the contexts or places they come from. I ...have no excuses for the way I behaved. I'm sorry."

  
  
  


"I know you and Robert have a history...not the best one...so...I didn't mind that much, but I still appreciate what you said. You know, I always did, from the very first time I heard you standing against him in front of a crowd."

Magnus was looking at him, "You…?"

"Yes, you were everything I have always believed in, everything I considered important, the image of justice and freedom, the portrait of kindness and fair play."

  
  


The beer seemed to burn in Magnus' throat and he was feeling a bit dizzy, he wasn't sure if for the alcohol or for the words Alec had just said. 

  
  


"You have just pictured me as a hero, which I'm not,” and he put some meat in both plates, starting to eat and silently inviting Alec to do the same.

"Well, for an eighteen gay boy who had just been kicked out from his home for trying to be himself, you have been. The first time I heard you, it was just a month after he threw me out. I was so full of anger against him, he was yelling at you, as he always does when he’s trapped in a corner and doesn’t know what to do, he attacks blindly and stupidly, cause he's not able to listen and talk, and you...you were confronting him with loyalty, smart arguments, smiles and irony...and...I thought that you were just perfect…"

"I …," what was he about to say, Magnus didn't remember, Alec's respect and admiration had left him off-balance, "...I am not, but thanks. Now that you were speaking I realized you were never beside your family in those public gatherings…. I am sorry for what happened…"

Alec shrugged playfully. "It's in the past. Now I don't resent him anymore, not him, nor my mum. My father isn't a bad person at all...he believes he's strong but he's not. He's afraid of looking inside himself and discovering that all the things he believes are true and right, in fact are a lie. He’s scared of what people think about him, and he's not able to overcome this. And my mum is afraid of him, always protecting him from failure and stress, as if he was another child. It took me almost five years to understand this…, five years of fury, and blind rage…."

"Then why are you still not talking to him?" 

"For the same reason I never searched for help or joined your LGBT Association...my father is not ready for that yet. He's stuck into that evening when he saw me and realized that the Alec he loved so much, wasn't what he expected, what he desired. He is still mourning the loss of his dreams. I don’t want to put him in a more difficult position than the one he already has in our community."

  
  


Magnus was struck by the deepness of the reasoning and the wiseness in the words, a sharp contrast with the young features of the man in front of him.

  
  


"Have you come to this on your own?" Magnus’ gaze was so thoughtful and intense that Alec shivered.

  
  


"Yes,...well I had a little help from my recklessness...I discovered in those days that when I'm angry and hurt I tend to engage in dangerous activities,...I run too fast on my bike, I dive from high cliffs in the pitch black night, I climb with bare hands and feet alone in desert places, such things...to take the edge off …., but I understood this just in time, before it could inadvertently kill me, and now I'm better at detecting that need, when it shows up, and... that's why I have started this volunteering activity, at this center for deaf and blind kids and teens…. It's a helpful way to channel my pain or my anger. Running too fast while I drive it's still the hardest thing for me to control, I tend to get carried away by that ephemeral feeling of freedom…"

  
  
  


Magnus widened his eyes even more, "Whoa, Alexander! This...you should come to the group meetings we run for teens who are still discovering who they are, you'll be of great help to them."

"I will, sooner or later, I just don't want to make things worse for my family right now, especially my siblings, they are still living there, and deserve some peace."

"What do your siblings think about all this?"

"They love me, as I love them. They support me and understand me, they have always done. Jace always knew I was gay and he helped me a lot, covering for me with my parents so many times. Izzy and Max are my little ones. We meet once a week on that secret stony and rocky beach I mentioned before. It’s an unknown place for most of the people that live here. It takes two hours walking from the nearest parking, in this way we are sure to avoid the paparazzi to follow and spy on us, especially during the electoral campaigns. Most of the press doesn’t even remember that Robert Lightwood has an elder son, better not to trigger those memories back."

"Your words make you sound older, but I bet you're not even thirty…"

"Just turned twenty-nine last September."

"I'm impressed, Alec. It never occurred to me to have such a wide, profound exchange of thoughts with someone who is so younger than me."

"You're not that older, more also...time is just a built up frame for humans to keep tracks of things…"

  
  


Magnus' already surprised face went wild…And Alec burst into a loud laughter that made his eyes sparkle even more.

  
  


"I study physics, Magnus, space and time are just a sequence of functions and numbers for me," and his giggles melted with the chewing sound.

  
  


Magnus laughed even more louder, Alec was something he wasn't expecting at all. What was supposed to be a work talk had turned out into an existential one.

  
  


"Well, my young boy, time might be just a _frame_ as you said, though it's a very useful one, especially for what I do everyday, timing is everything in a crime."

Alec nodded and drank a little more beer.

"So,...did I earn the job?" and Magnus frowned.

“We didn’t even talk about your translating skills, Alec.”

"Cat told me you were searching for someone to trust with a delicate case and situation...so I thought that maybe talking you about my life, about my feelings, would have given a better idea of the kind of person I am, rather than telling you that I speak the sign language as fluently as I am speaking mine with you right now…"

Magnus sighed deeply.

"Yes, Alec, the job is yours, and you’re right. It matters much more to me who you are than what you are able to do, since Cat and Ragnor told me that you’re great, and I trust them blindly. Do you need to get home early?" and Alec shook his head, "good, cause it's a long complicated story. But before we start talking about this boy you'll be meeting tomorrow, give me your personal data, so I can sign you to the next court-appointed experts evaluation.”

  
  


Alec grabbed his wallet inside his back pocket and handed his ID to Magnus.

"Alexander...the Great…" he teased, and Alec laughed.

"I told you my father had _plans_ for me since the day I was born…"

"If he studied ancient Greek History paying more attention to culture and costumes instead of battles and conquers, he would have discovered that Alexander had a lifelong friend, Hephaestion. Their friendship was forged in boyhood and endured through adolescence, through Alexander's becoming king, and his arranged marriage. But many historians now believe that they have been lovers… anyway it's a beautiful name, and it suits you.."

"Ah, if you say so. No one has ever called me that in such a long time, since my grandma died I think."

"I might use it sometimes, if you don't mind it, Alexander,” and his voice lowered on the name, emphasizing it.

Another shiver spread through Alec's spine, from his neck to the back bone, "I don't mind at all."

"Let's move this talk to the couch then, I'm taking the folders about the case."

"In the meantime I'll clean the table," Alec answered, and they both rose from their chairs.

  
  
  


The evening turned to night and the night to early morning hours. They were now sitting crossed legs on the rug, two mugs filled with black coffee for the third time, papers and sheets scattered all around them, while they discussed, and Alec took notes.

  
  


Alec had fallen silent while Magnus explained to him the backstory and the events, the evidence the police had gathered, the psychologist’s reports, adding his considerations and ideas.

Alec was mesmerized, by his voice and his competence, by his lively beautiful brown eyes that jumped from pictures of the crime scene to the notebook, by his warm and comforting smile, that reverberated in soft wrinkles around his eyes, by his hands that swiftly turned the paper sheets making them rustle under the quick movements, and by the few silver hair that were starting to cover his temples. Magnus was fascinating, everything about him was capturing Alec’s senses and mind. 

  
  


They had just met, and he felt more at ease with him than he had ever felt with anyone else in his life. It was a heady thought. Was that what they called _love at first sight_? That deep sense of peace and the awareness that everything you had always dreamed of was right in front of your eyes? Was it like that?

  
  


Their voices lowered to whispers as the time flew by, even if they were unaware of how late it was, until Alec looked at his watch and gasped.

"Ugh… it's almost 3 am, I'd better go, I have a lecture at ten tomorrow morning," he stood up and took the notes from the floor.

Magnus followed him to the door.

"So ...tomorrow at six thirty, after you have finished at Cat? Would that be ok? So you’ll meet him."

"Sure, six thirty, see you at the foster care,” and he put his black helmet on his head, closing the face shield, making his eyes stand out even more.

When he was about to climb on his bike, Alec turned one more time, "Thanks for the dinner, and all the rest, have a good sleep, Magnus."

  
  
  
  



	4. Seeing Voices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Sign, I was now convinced, was a fundamental language of the brain.”  
> ― Oliver Sacks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter, is taken from the amazing book "Seeing Voices" - Oliver Sacks

The wind was making Alec's jacket stick to his skin as he drove toward home. He lived in a small apartment on the last floor of a huge building. He had restructured a sort of storeroom on the top roof of the building, his walls were all glasses and from up there he could see the whole town. He loved staying out on the balcony looking at the lights during the night time, it was a vision that never failed to fill him with peace and hope.

  
  
  
  


On his first nights on his own Alec went to sleep at a motel, he had little bucks and he hadn't a job.

After a month he had been living there, he was running out of money, but luck crossed his path just for once, and that luck had a name, Hodge. 

Hodge was a guy around his forties, all muscles and tattoos, and the owner of the motel. He had spotted Alec more than once, eating alone at the bar, always alone in that room with a defeated look on his face.

Just once he saw him with a nice blond guy.

On that night, it was already 2 am, and Alec was sitting there, holding what must have been the third almost empty bottle of beer, he seemed really sad and Hodge couldn't hold back anymore.

  
  
  


“What’s up kid?” he asked.

“Uhm?” Alec’s eyes were red and glistening in the green yellow dim lights of the bar.

“It’s one month now, that you’ve been living here and you don’t seem to be ok, wanna talk about it?”

Alec sighed deeply and swallowed what was left of his drink in one quick shot. 

“I have barely enough money to pay another week here, I still haven’t found a job, and I haven’t a place where to live, I can’t afford college and study what I like as many others guys of my age can do, and if this wasn’t enough, my boyfriend just called me to tell me he’ll be moving in another state by the end of the month... so...I guess it's a pretty bad day.”

  
  


Hodge could tell that he was a little high from the alcohol he had just drank. 

“It’s him the reason why you are living here on your own?”

“No, it’s me. He just gave me the opportunity to find the courage to tell my parents who I am. So, it’s fine. I wouldn’t turn back the events even if I could.”

  
  


Too wise for a drunk teeneager Hodge thought. He didn’t know why, but he trusted that shy and silent boy enough to make that first move.

  
  


“Ok…, your name?”

“Alec.”

“Ok, Alec. I don’t know why, but I have just decided that you’re worth some help. I need someone that helps me keep the hotel's room clean and neat. I could give you a little pay and let you sleep in the room you already have, until you have enough money to afford a small rent.”

Alec’s eyes widened in awe and filled with the tears he had been pushing back for the whole night.

“Are...are you serious?”

“Never been more. Now, go to sleep, you’re starting tomorrow at 7, I have three guests checking out and I need the rooms cleaned and the laundry done by 12. And.., Alec...you’ll get through this.”

Alec stood up and placed his hand on Hodge’s shoulder, “You won’t regret trusting me. I promise.”

Hodge smiled, “I already know kid, after one month, your room is tidier than the ones I clean every day. Go sleep kid, life will get better.”

  
  
  
  


Alec dropped the keys on the table near the door.

The small room was all blue under the full moon light that was entering from the door windows.

He removed his helmet and his jacket, kicking his boots under the same table and tugged his socks down, throwing them on the floor.

He loved walking barefoot, no matter where he was, the first thing he did was remove any piece of clothing that prevented him from letting his feet have contact with the surface he was walking on.

  
  


He went to the couch and pulled the red string between the cushions, to open the bed. In less than a few minutes he was lying under the sheets, with his mind full of thoughts and his heart basking in a feeling he didn’t know what it was.

  
  


Magnus had been a surprise itself, but the way Alec felt around him, had been a much bigger one, something Alec hadn’t been prepared for. 

He had had a couple of boyfriends after Andrew left, and few one night stands, always after having followed Jace to some mean party where his brother made him drink a little too much and never lost occasion to hang on the walls that he had a single gay sexy brother searching for company.

  
In both of his previous longer relationships Alec had always been the protecting, loving and caring one, more attuned to his partner’s needs than his own, until he understood that he had put himself into a sort of parenting relationship more than a romantic one, where he was the _adult_ and his partner was someone who searched reassurement, shelter and protection. Pretty much what he did with his siblings, with the variable of sex in between. And even sex was something where he had never lost control or let himself surrender completely.

  
  


He didn’t know why or how, but in the end he found himself alone, simply waiting to find the right one. After some years, with a little help from his friends and a brief strategic psychotherapy, he had become a man comfortable with his self image, confident and at ease in his life. Izzy used to tell him that he had become even more beautiful and more attractive now that he had made peace with himself and his love life.

  
  


_Magnus_ , he thought, this wonderful, attractive, older guy that had totally thrown him out of balance and out of his comfort zone, but in the best of ways. 

He dozed off to sleep, with a lingering happiness inside himself.

  
  
  
  


The next day, Alec rushed inside the medic center after his lecture at the University, still chewing a sandwich he had just grabbed from his rucksack.

“Alec?” Ragnor stopped him as soon as he entered.

“Oh, hi Ragnor! I hadn’t noticed you were sitting behind the reception counter. Sorry I’m a little late but the professor had given us an inspected middle-course test, so…”

“Went good?”

“Oh, yes, very good I dare to think, the test was really easy and…”

“Magnus, I was asking about Magnus, not about that test you’ve just done, everyone here knows you’re ridiculously genial.”

  
  


Alec almost choked on his brunch, halting in the middle of the room.

  
  


“Oooohhhh, that good?” Ragnor laughed and teased, “Caaaat, Caaaaat come here, the boy has news for us!” and Cat opened the door wearing a sassy smile on her face.

“So………”

Alec grinned a bit, because he loved Cat and Ragnor with all his heart and he wasn’t embarrassed at all with them, “Well, he certainly is something else,” and he headed to the changing room still laughing.

  
  


Ragnor and Cat shared a knowing glance. 

Maybe, but just maybe, they hadn’t suggested Alec to Magnus casually.

  
  
  
  


The foster care where the boy was being hosted was on the outskirts of the town, it had a huge garden bordered with tall aspen trees.

Magnus was already waiting for Alec outside the big gate, dressed in a blue pinstripe suit, his light grey shirt perfectly matching the few silver strides in his hair and goatee, and Alec couldn’t avoid thinking that he was beautiful standing there in the evening light.

“Hi,” Alec said, removing his helmet and realizing that his heart had weirdly speeded up and he probably sounded a little out of breath.

“Hi, are you ok?” Magnus asked.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

“Oh, I don’t know, you’re breathing as you’ve been running to come here, but you’ve just gotten down from your bike instead.”

“Riding takes effort, you know… to keep the right balance…”

Magnus laughed, “I know the feeling, yes.”.

“Come on, let’s go.”

“Wait…,” Alec grabbed him by his arm, “...I won’t try to force him or convince him to testify in court if he doesn’t want to.”

“This, you have already told me, and I totally agree, Alexander.”

“Just wanted to make it clear one more time before we get in, more also, when did this happen?”

“What?”

“Me evolving in Alexander.”

“And why should this be an evolution?”

“Because it’s something no one else does,” Magnus’ heart twitched dangerously, and he was suddenly deeply aware of the warm feeling emanating from those fingers tightened around his bicep.

  
  


He disententagled himself from the grip, a little too harshly to go unnoticed and pushed the gate open.

  
  


“I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, I’m sorry.” Alec added and Magnus didn’t reply back. 

A sort of fear sneaked inside of his chest, the fear of wanting more.

The boy was sitting in the corner of a playroom inside the foster care. His gaze seemed lost in the horizon as he stared outside the big window. He seemed tall even if he had his legs raised up to his chin.

The lady gently touched him on the shoulder and the boy turned to look at them. She took a blank sheet and wrote on it, and the boy nodded.

Alec noticed how sad he looked, the light in his eyes was extinguished and his lips were sealed together, a deep wrinkle drawn between his brows.

The lady moved toward Magnus and Alec. “No one here speaks sign language, we communicate with him through writing.”

“Why has no one of your operators ever taken a course?” Alec asked, concerned.

“This is an emergency foster care. Kids come here only for a short amount of time, until they are sent to other foster cares. There has never been the necessity to do that, anyway we’ll think about this if he’s going to stay here for a longer time. Though he doesn’t seem to matter.”

  
  


Alec had to restrain himself at that comment, he knew too well the feeling of denying yourself your deepest needs until you could pretend that they weren’t important anymore.

  
  


The lady exited from the room and they remained with the boy, Magnus leaning on the furthest wall from him, near the door, and Alec standing beside him. He wasn't doing anything, just watching the boy and waiting. 

  
  


What was he doing? Magnus had expected him to get closer to the boy and touch him, but Alec remained right where he was until the boy turned his head again to look at him, took a paper he had in his pocket and handed it to Alec.

  
  


In that moment Alec moved his hands evidently asking something and the boy's eyes lit a little, and a shy smile showed up on his face. 

  
  


He replied quickly and messy, probably a way to test Alec's abilities, but Alec didn't miss a beat, he kept conversing with his hands, his fingers moving quicker and quicker, his palms swaying against the other, until Magnus recognized the boy spelling something slower, and then Alec did the same.

"Rafael, his name is Rafael.” 

Magnus gasped as sadness overtook him and memories flooded into his mind.

“He has agreed to talk to me, so let the psychologist come in and...Magnus I am going to ask him if it's ok that I translate our conversation to you after we have finished.” 

Magnus nodded mutely. He was mesmerized by the movements Alec was making with his hands, sometimes faster sometimes slower, and from his body language that accompanied his arms and fingers, conveying an intensity that was comparable to the one a musician showed when he played his instrument.

His eyes and face were a changing mask of different emotions, so openly and sincere that Magnus almost felt as if he was intruding.

  
  


It was amazing how the boy had changed while talking to Alec, his eyes were communicating, his whole upper body leaned toward him as he moved his legs and crossed them.

  
  


Alec had filled that communication gap, he was entering into his world made of no sounds, built only upon emotions and feelings, and a silence that must have been extremely loud in some moments. The screams of his soul were only his, he couldn’t share them, and Magnus thought how much this must have been scary for a boy of that age.

  
  


At a certain point Alec’s movements slowed down to a minimum and he slowly got closer to the boy. 

Then Magnus saw Rafael nodding, his eyes filling with tears, as he put his hands on his face, his body curling into a silent sob of pain. And then he saw Alec on him, taking him into his arms and hugging him, rocking him and soothing him, tracing slow circles on his back and shoulder blades, clutching his head and keeping it into the hollow of his neck, until the boy was calm again.

  
  


The psychologist remained still, watching the interaction between Alec and the boy, amazed by the ease he saw in that immediate bonding between the two.

  
  


When it was time to leave, Rafael didn't want Alec to go away. Magnus saw him asking something with his hands and his eyes, almost pleading, and then he saw Alec shaking his head, almost crying in the pain of his response. Then Alec’s fingers moved quickly again and he saw hope rising again in those two little black gems as the boy clutched Alec’s waist again.

Alec turned to the woman inside the room, “He wanted to come away with me and I promised him that I will come to visit him every day. Can I do that?

“Yes, sure, as long as the District Attorney is fine with that.”

“Of course, he can come,” Magnus replied in such a professional tone that made Alec stare at him, “the more he connects with the boy, the more it will help the testimony. He will be more relaxed with Alec there.”

  
  


Before exiting from the room, Alec hugged Rafael one more time and _whispered_ him something with his hands.

  
  


Walking the driveway to the gate, Magnus and Alec were silent in the beginning, then, abruptly, Alec started talking, “He has seen everything Magnus. He… his parents had hidden him in the closet when they heard the men on the stairs… he has nightmares, he…”

Magnus saw Alec clutching his hands in fists, for sorrow, rage, or frustration, for not being able to do more. Magnus was sadly familiar with that kind of pain, even if he never resigned to see it.

  
  


“I know how you feel. We will help him.”

“You can’t give him his parents back.”

“No, that I can’t do. But I can prevent those two killers from hurting other kids, I literally blew up the entire police department for this case, and we can find a family for him, a new one. At least that’s what I’ll try to do. It’s not always enough, but…”

  
  


Alec stopped and grasped Magnus’ wrists, staring at him, “You’re doing your best, and your best is more than enough.”

  
  


Magnus’s heart leaped and sank within a second. What was that young man doing to him? Making him emotionally attached? Making him feel appreciated and cherished? Telling him that he was enough? More than that?

  
  


He removed his hands quickly, giving Alec the wrongest impression again. He wanted nothing more than to cling onto them and instead he pushed them away, he was scared, so scared. 

Alec looked surprised, but not hurt. He was looking at Magnus with understanding eyes, as if he was able to sense the fear behind the gesture.

  
  


“We need to prepare the testimony. I have to officially register it as soon as he is ready. We haven’t got much time. The court hearing is set in two weeks,” Magnus’ voice was tense.

“Sure,” Alec said and smiled at him and that smile shouldn’t have been so kind and gentle after the reaction Magnus had just had, “I’ll take care of this…,” and Magnus’ little heart begged -- _take care of me too?_ \--

Magnus walked away a little from Alec, “So when can we meet again to plan the interview?”

“I think it would be better if we meet each day, maybe one or two hours, just to be sure to get everything right.”

“I agree, but...your boyfriend is going to hate me.”

  
  


Why had he just said that stupid thing? It was not his business if Alec had a boyfriend or not, and of course he had. What was happening to him? 

Magnus was usually great at keeping professional things separated from personal ones. More also, Alec was young. So young. And even if he wasn’t dating anyone, of course he had other plans. Why had he even asked that in the first place? Now he couldn’t take it back.

Alec instead was grinning, his inner little elf dancing, “I don’t have a boyfriend, and I’m not seeing anyone. I don’t like going to parties and I want to do this right. You trust me and the boy trusts me too, and trust is a precious thing to me. Something to honor. We will meet each day starting from tomorrow at 8 until the trial, my place this time?"

Magnus felt as if he had been pressed hard against a wall, a wall made of attraction, excitation and trust.

  
  
  
  
  
  



	5. Like an Awakening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I guess nothing will be the same anymore" - Pooja Negi

Magnus couldn't keep his mind away from Alec while driving home. The way Alec had connected with Rafael, waiting for him to be ready to talk, the way he had protected his secret asking him if he wanted to share it, and gave him the chance to retreat his offer at any time.

The way he had thrown himself to hold him after he had to ask him the worst question ever, knowing already what the answer would have been, the way he had kept him there, secured and loved in his arms, to the point that the boy wanted him to stay.

The way he had looked at him when Magnus had backed away from his touch, with understanding and reassuring eyes.

The way he said he valued Magnus' trust.

  
  
  


He failed twice to take the right turn to his home and as he parked he felt almost dizzy for the headiness of what had just happened at the foster care.

His phone buzzed in his pocket. It was Alec. He swiped the notification down without opening the message.

  
  


**_A:_ ** _ Hope you're feeling ok. You seemed a little lost off before.  _

  
  


How was that Alec was the one checking on him? He should have replied, -- _ it was your fault- _ -, but he really didn't feel like replying at all.

  
  


Was he ok? No he wasn't at all. He was confused. Why in the world had he felt a light sparkle when Alec said he wasn't dating anyone? Why had he been so affected by his touch?

  
  


He decided he didn't want to investigate further inside himself. He just knew that he had barely recovered from a lifelong heartbreak, that his life was better now that he was alone, and, most of all, that even if it meant something, even if it was something, whatever it was, was wrong.

He went to bed but he couldn't sleep. As soon as he closed his eyes Magnus saw Alec interacting with Rafael, Alec crowding his space and saying he was sorry, Alec looking at him with kindness even when Magnus had not acted as gently.

And that little boy, with that name...what was life doing to him?

Sleep came to him in the early morning hours, after a night spent turning on different sides of the bed. 

The kindness Alec had shown to him had awakened painful memories about Camille, of how bad she used to treat him, her hands had never been so tender and gentle on him, hard, demanding, and urgent hands when it was time for her to take something for herself; cold, distant, absent hands when it was Magnus that needed comfort and hugs.

If he was honest with himself, they had never been on the same level, never walked at the same pace, never looked together at the same horizon, never, not even in the beginnings, and Magnus had always known that down deep in his heart.

He had ended up with her after many stories gone wrong. 

He had always been afraid, afraid of being alone, terrified of being abandoned again. Solitude had never been a friend to Magnus, or maybe Magnus had never been a friend to her. He could almost see her standing in the corner of his room in those rare nights he hadn’t slept with someone in his bed.

The price he had paid for not having the strength to be alone, for the need to have someone who seemed to care about him, had been high, to the point that now he was scared of being with someone, the fear of loneliness had been replaced by the fear of being used.

He was trapped in a limitless space of his mind where his worst fears had somehow brought him to do things that had generated even worse fears than the ones he had before. 

It was excruciating sometimes, trying to escape from the grey and cold embrace of loneliness, just to find himself searching for its comforting nature everytime someone got too close to his heart.

It was a pull and wire game, in which his heart was the only player, the only actor, and the only loser.

  
  
  


The day passed quickly and Magnus found himself under the huge building where Alec lived, before he even realized he got there.

He pressed the buzzer’s button and the glass door opened without a voice asking who it was. His heart started beating faster as he entered the building.

Alec had texted him before, again after last night, around six, -- _ elevator till the last floor than the staircase on the left...-- _

He had never replied to him. Nor last night, not one hour ago at this last message. 

Probably Alec was pissed off, he had every reason to be, Magnus was somehow hoping to see him angry. 

On one side, he felt bad about not answering, but on the other he was trying his best to scare  _ Mr. Kindness _ off, a way to tell him not to come too close, a hurting warning, -- _ I am not made to be loved-- _ .

  
  
  


The door was ajar and Magnus could hear movements coming from the inside. He pushed it fully open and stepped in.

A small blue room welcomed him, all glasses and evening colors.

There was a small stove on the left, a couch, a bookcase where Alec had put books, DVDs and folded t-shirts and sweaters, in different shelves.

It was quiet, calm and warm, just as Alec was.

  
  


_ Alec _ ...where was he?

  
  


Magnus took a tentative step further turning his head around to search for him, but the house was just that, one single room.

Then he saw his slender figure behind the window glass, "Hi Magnus," he said entering the room, and his voice shouldn't have been so smooth and caressing, falling on Magnus’ high walls as a water drop, softly, slowly, but constantly breaching in.

Magnus stood there silent, lost in his moves and in that unexpected warm welcome, Alec's reactions were ... unsettling, and he was so beautiful, in those torn bleached jeans and that baggy sweater that fell past his right shoulder exposing it to Magnus' sight.

  
  


"I knew I should have checked on you during the day," Alec said, turning toward him, "you're probably worn out and just need some rest. Here it is, have dinner and then go home, we can do all this another day. I can bring you back if you're too tired to drive."

While talking Alec had closed the distance between them, and was now standing right in front of Magnus, attentively and carefully scrutinizing him and trying to read his expressions. 

Then he raised his hand up to Magnus' shoulder and gently stroked it once, pulling his hand back instantly and swiping it along his thigh.

  
  


How could he be so unrealistically perfect?

  
  


Magnus knew he should say or do something, but the quivering of his defenses was making him dizzy.

  
  


Alec must have noticed that uneasiness because he spun around and headed to the stove, opening the oven and grabbing a casserole inside it.

  
  


"Make yourself at home, the bath is on your right, it's small but,...and you can leave your shoes there if you want. I'll wait for you on the roof’s terrace and put dinner on the plates."

  
  


Magnus stood frozen still, his head a bit spinning. He had come prepared to face an annoyed someone, ready to fight back questions and demands.

He mindlessly removed his shoes and socks, digging his feet deep into the moquette, a relaxing feeling rising along his legs.

He went to the bathroom to wash his hands and smiled, seeing all Alec's shirts hanging on the bathtub bar. He touched them instinctively, they were dry...  _ a special closet indeed _ .

  
  


The roof was bathed by a blue light coming from four small rounded spotlights placed on the floor, a table with four chairs, a double cushioned swing and a chaise longue. Alec was waiting for him, sitting at the table and drinking.

Magnus sat in front of him and took a quick view of the food displayed on the table, a bowl of salad, a quiche, and platter of different kinds of grilled vegetables. Alec took the platter and handed it to Magnus.

  
  


“So,” Alec said, “we could plan a little of that interview while eating if it’s ok for you. I was thinking that we could go through all the questions you're supposed to ask him together and find the best way for me to ask him?”

  
  


Magnus was embarrassed, Alec was purposely overlooking the fact that Magnus had disappeared since they’ve left outside the foster care, but he wasn’t disappointed or angry at all. Everything was normal as nothing happened.

  
  


When Alec cut the quiche and placed a slice on his place Magnus blurted out, “I’m sorry.”

Alec pulled back his hand and began to cut another piece for himself.

“Uhm? Sorry? What for?”

Alec was genuinely surprised and his reaction caught Magnus off guard. He chuckled and shook his head

“Alexander, I haven’t answered to any of your texts since yesterday…”

“So what?” Alec shrugged and furrowed his brows, “you’re not supposed to and I didn’t expect anything. We all have our bad or full booked-up days and moments in which we don’t want to talk or see anyone. Plus, I’m not your partner, you don’t own me any explanations about how you feel…”

“But you were expecting me to come tonight, you cooked.”

Alec looked at him again, “Is there any reason why I should have expected you to call off? Because if there is, I missed it and… I’d be glad you’d tell me.”

Magnus’s defenses crumbled, “I…, no...Alexander, no, no personal reason at all. I was just lost in my thoughts and… let myself be dragged behind that thread. I would have never called off.”

Alec smiled. “Good, now we can move on.”

“I love this place,” Magnus resumed, “and I love this quiche, you’re surprising.”

“Unless you want to feed yourself on junk food each day, when you live alone cooking is something you need to improve at...and, yes, I made this place  _ mine _ , everything inside here speaks about me, about who I am.”

“All this blue…, it’s my favorite color.”

The dinner ended on the swing, while drinking a hot chocolate that was as thick as a mousse, as they were discussing which were the best alternatives for Alec to use.

  
  


“Your court experts examination will be next week, as soon as you’re done with it, we can have the interview straight away. I need the translation to be certified before submitting it.”

“Sure, of course. Will there be someone to help Rafael through this? It’s gonna be painful for him."

"Yes, that lady, the counselor and you of course. Your presence will help him. I was impressed by how quick that boy got attached to you."

"Being able to express yourself and being understood is something important, " Alec said and started telling him about his volunteering experience, how his relationship with the kids there had improved as he learned how to communicate with them.

  
  


Magnus hummed, gathered all the crime scene photographs and papers, and put them in order.

  
  


"I need to go, tomorrow I have to be up early," and he stood up from the swing.

  
  


The air was cool and the humidity of the night was sneaking inside the grey sweater Alec had given him during dinner. He was about to take it off when he felt a warm palm on his wrist, "Keep it, or you'll freeze on your way home."

  
  


They went in, Magnus put on his shoes and grabbed the keys from his pocket.

  
  


"Thank you Alec, for turning this night into a life lesson."

"I bet you could teach me many," Alec replied, handing him his work bag and Magnus looked at him, questioning eyes.

"Are you trying to suggest that I am old?"

"I'm just trying to say that experience has its perks and its charm."

Magnus opened the door and waved goodbye.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	6. So Effortlessly Himself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give" - K. Gibran

Alec passed the court-appointed experts evaluation with no effort and no difficulties at all. After that, they finally had the interview with Rafael, and Magnus submitted the testimony for the trial just in time.

  
  


That day had been hard and sad, more than the first one. Magnus was used to terrifying and tremendous stories to listen to and collect, but those had rarely a child involved.

Hearing what Rafael had seen from the closet, sensing the screams he couldn't let go, picturing the terror, the loss, the pain, the sense of abandon, the paralyzing sensation that the boy must have felt until the police came and rescued him, the extraneity of the foster care, the awareness of being alone in this life...had been too much.

Alec was shocked too, down deep in his bones. 

While translating what Rafael was telling him he maintained a firm, steady stance, holding the boy in his lap, sometimes hugging him, other times letting him cry on his chest and shoulders, caressing his back.

His movements were reassuring and comforting, handling and holding the boy's heart as he spilled out the monsters and the ghosts he was keeping buried in himself, until he fell asleep in his arms and Alec laid him down on his bed.

  
  


Magnus noticed the way Alec's hand trembled when he was signing the testimony, he noticed the way his glassy eyes were sparkling with unshed tears as they exited from the foster care in silence, he saw it in the way Alec's body almost slumped on the bike without even saying a word do Magnus.

  
  


Alec had twisted the hand grip inside his palms and had run away from Magnus and from the painful truth he had just discovered, that from some wounds was almost impossible to recover.

He had run fast to the rocky shore and stood on the rough edge of the cliffs, shouting his rage out loud to the wind and the waves, alone.

  
  


In the days before the interview Magnus had the chance to talk more to him. 

  
  


Alec had an open sincere heart that for some strange incomprehensible reason seemed to unlock easily beside Magnus. Magnus had come to know more about him in those two weeks, than his siblings had ever did in all their lives, and Alec had discovered a little more about why Magnus was hiding behind those thick high walls he never lowered.

  
  


He was astounded by Magnus' ability to be so kind, caring and gentle, always looking at the good side of people, when it was clear that he had been hurt badly.

  
  


Some people became embittered and hardened from the pain, bringing the scars of their hearts to life and turning them into weapons that they used against the others.

Magnus' didn't. It was as if he was blaming only himself for all the bad and the pain he had to go through and endure. Magnus hadn't given Alec any details, just small chunks of thoughts and feelings here and there, after recalling a single episode or a dialogue, but Alec could feel the tension and the strain Magnus was putting himself through. 

It was clear that he needed to lessen some of his defenses, to let someone in again, as it was clear that he heightened his walls even higher everytime Alec seemed to step closer, or seemed to reach out for him.

  
  


Alec knew by now, that there was something in Magnus' winter that he had never seen or found in any other's spring, and that wasn't an age thing, it was a soul one.

For the few glimpses he had caught, Magnus' had a shining tingling delicate core that he kept perched inside himself, as a gift waiting to be unwrapped, and he knew he wished to be the one to do that.

He wasn't sure if there were words to explain or categorize how he felt, but he soon realized that he didn't want to back off or hold back this time, unless Magnus asked him to.

  
  


Maybe…, maybe his journey of all those years alone was meant to welcome a crystal-clear heart like the one Magnus had, to give him a pair of strong arms, secure enough not to flinch and tremble under the force of whatever he was hiding inside himself.

The problem was….how to get close, close enough to let Magnus see inside his heart, to let him become aware that all Alec wanted to do was take care of him in a way no one had ever done before.

  
  


Magnus seemed to shy off, run away, avoid him, and change topics everytime into weather, movies, books, journeys or food, leaving Alec frustrated and begging Magnus to let him step in. 

Even a small infinitesimal move would have been something, better than nothing.

  
  
  


The court-hearing was due for the next day and Alec had taken a day off from Cat and Ragnor to rehearse everything with Magnus. 

  
  


Rafael would have been asked many questions, and Alec, again, would have been his words, the words he couldn't give voice to.

Alec knew he had to be at his best, calm and steady as a rock for Rafael to grab onto, fierce and upright in front of the giury and the judge who were listening. The proofs against the two murderers were unmistakable, he and Magnus knew that, and Rafael's testimony was going to be the seal to their life sentence. 

  
  


Still Alec was worried. Mostly for the cross-examination. 

What if the defense attorney asked him hurtful questions or forced him to recall unnecessary gory details? The judge would have stopped him maybe soon after that but...words once said couldn't be taken back, and Alec knew that, as he knew that words could cut more deep than a sword.

He was pacing the floor of Magnus' living room up and down, asking Magnus -- _what if, could he, would it…--_ , until Magnus grabbed his arm and forced him to stop.

  
  


"I won't let anyone hurt him more than what has already been done. You have never seen me in court Alexander but I can tell you that I am not a softie. I will fight for him with my bare hands. Now…, it's almost 1 pm and we have gone through each passage and possible question. If you don't have any plans we can have lunch and maybe ...go for a walk or something? Just to ease our minds and not overthink too much."

  
  


Despite the fact that Alec had touched Magnus many times during the time they spent together, it had never happened that Magnus did. The feeling of his cool palm on Alec's arm made something snap inside of him.

The trial was tomorrow, everything would have been over, he wouldn't have had the excuse or a reason to meet and see Magnus anymore, he needed to do something before it was too late.

He turned toward him, determined and confident.

"Ever went riding?"

  
  


Magnus frowned confused for a moment until Alec mimicked the movements he made with his wrists each time he gave gas to his bike.

  
  


"Ah, well, back in college I think, yes."

"Would you? Again? With me?" Alec's voice sounded pleading despite his towering stance.

  
  


Magnus felt a shiver of excitement and anticipation running down his spine and through his veins, a liveliness he thought was gone forever.

  
  


"I don't know, Alec... I'm not a kid anymore…"

  
  


Alec scoffed, "Stop. Are you just playing hard to get or are you taking time to find an excuse to say no? Because if it's the first one, I would beg to convince you, pride is not in my nature, you already know that. If it's the other thing, then I give you the chance right now to back off and say no, I won't hold that against you."

  
  


He waited, never lowering his gaze, piercing Magnus' eyes and soul with his sincere and pure blue eyes, and Magnus got lost in the deepness of that stare.

He wanted to push himself to say no, but he felt a subtle still powerful tug inside, and realized he had accepted Alec's offer before he had even realized he did.

  
  
  


Alec handed him the second helmet he always kept in his case.

"Let me," he said as he saw Magnus struggling with the buckle. His hands were so gentle as he locked the stripes under Magnus' chin, his fingers slightly trembling as he brushed his short beard, giving away his emotions too easily, and making Magnus shiver at the touch and at the gesture.

  
  


Alec mounted first, slightly inclining the bike to let Magnus jump on easier.

He started the engine and Magnus' ears filled with his roaring sound.

Then Alec turned his head a little, "You'll need to grab my waist, Magnus, I told you I tend to drive fast."

  
  


Magnus tentatively encircled Alec's low waist with his arms as the bike moved along the road and quickly gained speed. 

The wind was hitting his helmet even if Alec's back was shielding him. He felt giddy from the speed, the fuel’s scent, and Alec's body pressing firmly against his.

He surrendered to the impulse and the need to lay his head between Alec's shoulder blades, making the young man quiver under the touch, and he thought he never felt more _home_ than that.

  
  
  


Alec stopped the bike in an abandoned parking lot after driving along a short unpaved narrow road.

  
  


"Two hours walk now, come on. I promise it's worth the fatigue."

  
  


Alec took his rucksack and the bag of groceries they had bought along the way, adjusting the shoulder straps.

  
  


The walk started in silence, both trapped in the beauty of the landscape and the flood of feelings going back and forth between them.

  
  


"So...how is it that you've never been married?" Alec suddenly asked.

Magnus' heart stumbled and fell before he could answer.

"I've been that close to tie the knot... fortunately life pushed things differently before I could ruin my life forever."

"Is that how you see marriage and long lasting relationships? A life long torture?"

Magnus stopped and looked around, inhaling the scent of the bushes trembling under the breeze.

"It's not _the thing_ in itself, Alec. _It's the person_ you are with that makes the difference. I'm glad life stopped me when I wasn't in control of myself enough to do that."

"I guess you weren't the one who called it off."

"No, she did. Her name was Camille, she literally owned my life for six long years, turning me into a man I'm not proud of. I … I always tended to lose myself in the people I loved, merging into them and adjusting for the fear of being alone. That's why I forced myself into loneliness in this last year, to take time to know and understand what's good for me."

"You figured it out?"

"I'm not sure, but I think I'm far better than I was when she left me."

"So you might be ready for opening the doors again?" and the question didn't sound as casual as it was supposed to be between two persons that were barely starting to know each other.

  
  


Magnus caught the subtle hope hidden in Alec's voice. He wanted to answer _\--yes--,_ but everything about Alec scared him.

His straightforwardness, his trust, the deepness of his feelings, the way he seemed to read Magnus' mind, how he didn't care about himself, an intoxicating sensation to which Magnus wanted to surrender to, but couldn't afford hoping to have.

  
  


So he remained silent, his sad deep eyes asking for a forgiveness he wasn't sure to deserve from Alec.

Alec who had always shown him only love, Alec that understood him and never judged him, Alec that had laid his soul bare in front of him and trusted him enough not to stomp on it.

  
  
  


The beach was breathtaking, dark grey sand mixed with pebbles, high cliffs with spikes and sharp edges, the raging ocean waves crushing on it and forcing them into submission.

"Alec... this is…"

"Beautiful, isn't it? This is my secret safe place. You're the first one I bring here apart from my siblings."

  
  


Alec opened the blanket he had brought and laid the bag of groceries on it.

They ate in silence, lingering between the certainty of what they were feeling and the fear of never getting to the point of revealing it and following it.

Then they only talked about work or little family things, music and books again, until Alec would have been able to buy the right present for Magnus for the next 10 years.

  
  
  


It was almost dark when they arrived at the bike again.

When Alec was about to climb on, Magnus missed a small stone on his path and stumbled, gasping as his clothes rustled.

Alec turned immediately and shot his arms out blindly, catching him just before he hit the ground and bouncing toward him to regain balance.

  
  


They were close, so close that Magnus could feel Alec's warm breath on his skin, skimming his face. Then he saw him leaning down and closing his eyes, his lips slightly parting.

  
  


Before Alec realized it, Magnus had rolled in his arms like a snake and slipped out from his embrace, putting all his leverage on both of his bent knees, until he was standing again.

Alec almost fell face down to the ground if his reflexes didn't come in handy. The pebbles scratched the skin of his hands as his palms hit the stones.

  
  


Clearly Magnus was still lost somewhere, Alec had gone too fast.

  
  


He rose up, brushed his fingers on his thighs to remove the dust and climbed on his bike, waiting for Magnus to join him.

  
  


This time Alec didn't ask Magnus to hold on to him, and Magnus held himself to the back part of the seat, gripping it so hard that his knuckles were white.

He was crying behind the glass, trusting the whirling sound of the wind to cover the small sobs.

  
  


Alec left him in front of his house, took the helmet and stored it back, "See you tomorrow," he whispered, "thanks for this amazing night," and drove away.

  
  


As soon as Alec was out of sight, Magnus' tears welled up again.

Alec had thanked him, leaving him completely unbalanced.

  
  


He grabbed the keys of his car and drove to his safe place, he needed to talk to someone.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	7. Not Enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I look at myself but I’m missing. I know myself: it’s not me.” — Fernando Pessoa

The green hill was almost invisible in the dark, despite the half moon hanging from the sky. 

This was Magnus’ safe place, the only place where his heart found peace, the same place where a part of his soul had been buried many years ago, the night Raphael died, the night that his life had been ripped away from his body from that monster who had grown inside of him so quickly that left his beloved ones in despair and disbelief.

Raphael had always been the other side of Magnus’ heart. Magnus had been the sun and Raphael the moon, Magnus was warm colors and Raphael was cool ones, complementing each other as if they had been torn apart in two perfect halves at their birth date.

Losing him had been something Magnus wasn’t prepared to endure, something that had almost brought him to lose his mind.

Here, on this green hill where Raphael had asked to be buried, Magnus had come so many times, to cry out his pain, to search for an advice, to find company in the nights he couldn’t sleep, to gather hope again when he was the first one who couldn’t stand to see who he had become.

Raphael had been his solid ground. It wasn't a religious thing. Magnus just knew deep inside of him that his friend could hear him, and he was sure that he had guided him so many times.

  
  


In this night where Alec had tried to kiss him, he needed Raphael beside him more than any other time.

He sat on the grass, near the small stone and brought his knees to his chin.

  
  


“I’ve fucked up,” he whispered, “one of my worst performances, you would have punched me.”

He sniffed brushing his fingers through the grass.

"He's perfect Raphael. He's everything you always told me to search for. I know, I know you're asking what is the problem then…it's that...I don't know how to love him. I ... don't know what's the meaning of this...he's just a man, like many others that I have had before, but he moves me in a way that ...makes me feel like someone else...Don't you think it's rather funny? It should be him, young and inexperienced, being in a mess beside me…"

He sighed, letting the tears run down his face.

"Raphael, I never thought I'd come to this. It's not anything like what I felt for Camille, I don't know how to explain it to you...I...where are you Rapahel? Help me please, I...I'm terrified. He was about to kiss me tonight...and I...felt lost, frightened and I backed away…"

He wiped his tears with his sleeve. He was shivering from the cold.

"I ...I want him Raphael and I think I love him but he scares me so, his abandon, his trust… one part of me begs to let him in, but...another part of me,...if he said he loved me, I just couldn't cope…"

He buried his head between his knees.

"And if I don't do anything...tomorrow will be the last day I will see him...Raphael...where are you? I don't know what to do…You know, this boy...he has your name …Are you coming back to me in another form?"

  
  


The wind that night brought him only whispers. He felt so hopeless, he wanted Alec, but he wasn't ready to face the hugeness of all that. Not yet.

He hobbled to the car and fell asleep on his couch without even removing his clothes.

  
  
  


The morning came merciless, his head was pounding in ache. He needed to take some painkillers, the court hearing was in about an hour and he couldn't sustain it in the state he was.

He checked the phone. No messages, no unanswered calls.

  
  


He decided to wear a little more make-up under his shaded eyes and when he stepped into court he found Alec already waiting outside, dark shadows under his eyes, standing out against his pale skin.

Here they were, sharing a sleepless night and a challenging morning. Alec smiled as he saw him, as he always did.

  
  


Why Alec just couldn't be angry at him once, just one time? It would have made things easier.

  
  


"Have you slept at all?" Magnus asked him.

"The same as you, probably. The only difference is that I don't use make-up."

Magnus laughed, bitterly.

"You should try, it'll make your eyes stand out even more."

  
  


Alec hummed, but he wasn't really listening to him, he was looking at the light grey striped tie Magnus was wearing, matching perfectly the few grey hair that shaded his shirt beard.

  
  


"It suits you," he said breathless, and he pointed to the tie and his beard.

Magnus bowed his head to check what he was referring to and exhaled.

  
  
  


The courtroom opened and Magnus' practitioners exited. 

  
  


"It's our turn. We're starting in 5 minutes. Rafael will be the last one to enter."

"You can wait outside, Alexander, it's not necessary for you to assist the whole thing…"

"I want to. It will help me to help him. More also I want to see you fighting."

  
  


Alec sat looking at him spellbound, at Magnus being fierce and merciless while he interrogated the indicteds, but also tender and careful when it was time to ask Rafael his questions. 

  
  


That was the majesty of Magnus' heart, Alec thought. Rafael couldn't hear him, but Magnus knew he could feel the vibes in the room, the change in his posture and his stance, he was doing that for him.

  
  


Alec translated everything, each and every gesture and expression, being the solid rock that Rafael needed to pull out those memories again, for what Alec hoped was the last time.

Magnus was great, forcing the judge to allow only the questions they had gone through their interview, defending and protecting Rafael and his little bleeding heart.

The trial turned out to be a success, for Magnus and Rafael. The two men were declared guilty and condemned to life imprisonment. The judge also established for Rafael to be sent to another foster care, the one where Alec was volouteering, until he found a new family.

  
  


"I will come and visit you," Alec explained to him when Rafael searched for him in the crowd, looking lost, "tomorrow...ok?"

  
  


The boy nodded smiling. He was used to waiting, Alec thought,...used to not having any choice, used to hope that someone might take care of him for real one day. He had a long painful journey ahead of him.

The lady of the foster care took him away, promising Alec to call him if Rafael showed too many signs of distress.

  
  


Then Alec searched for Magnus just to realize he wasn't there anymore. Had he really left without saying a word? Alec had already made his choice.

  
  


He lurched through the crowd and went straight to Magnus' office, bug he wasn't there.

He ran down the stairs just in time to see his car moving from the parking lot.

  
  
  


When Alec stopped in front of Magnus' house, he noticed that his car was out.

  
  


He knocked at the door, then rang the bell, twice.

"Magnus, Magnus, I know you're in there, open to me. I need to talk to you."

  
  


How could he ever have hoped that Alec would have not followed him? Of course he would have. Because Alec was determined and caring, and ... _ ah _ ...it was a losing battle, Magnus couldn't avoid him forever.

He gathered his strength and reached four to Raphael in his head one more time, -- _ help me, amigo-- _ .

As he opened the door Alec almost fell on him. He was leaning on the door with both of his arms.

  
  


"Fuck," he cursed stumbling inside, "why did you run away, uhm?" 

Of course Alec would have gone straight to the point.

"I'm not feeling well, I haven't slept and the effect of the painkillers is receding...I need to rest."

"Without saying a word? Without saying goodbye? This was supposed to be our last encounter and you leave like this?" Alec was breathing hard.

  
  


He was not going to disappear without having told Magnus how he felt.

  
  


"I'm sorry Alexander I would have called you."

"Bullshit, you would have never called me, we both know that."

  
  


Despite the words, his voice was calm and soft, as if he wasn't judging but understanding, and he was now crowding Magnus' space, until Magnus' back hit the wall and Alec extended his palm to cradle his cheek.

He wasn't scared, it was the thing he had desired most since the very first night he spent with Magnus there.

  
  


"I know you don't want to hear this, but I'm telling you anyway, because it's too powerful to deny it. I… I'm in love with you Magnus Bane, with your sunny smile and your sad eyes, with your smart brain and your flourish words, with your gentle hands and your kind voice, with these few gray hair that frame your young features so beautifully, with your open heart and your shining soul ...I'm in love with you."

  
  


He inhaled a deep breath to refill the air that he had consumed talking.

Magnus stood still, his head spinning, completely dumbstruck by the words Alec had just told him. 

Even if those were the words he craved to hear, his fears grew even stronger, like a black cloud enclosing him.

  
  


He gently pushed Alec away with one hand.

"You don't know what you're saying Alec. You're young and maybe you have a crush on me, yes. But that's not love."

  
  


He could hear Raphael screaming in his head.

  
  


Alec stumbled backward as if he had been punched in his stomach.

"Crush? Excuse me? I'm not a nineteen something pup, and I know perfectly how I feel. What gives you the right to judge how I feel? It's not an age thing, you're better than this Magnus I know that. Try again."

"You...Alec, you are clearly projecting on me the need you have for a father figure, that's not love, …"

"Father figure? What!?!?! Are you trying to sell me that Freudian shit, for real?!?!? That I love you because I see in you the father I have lost!?!?! I can't believe you're telling me this."

  
  


Alec was slowly losing his temper, Magnus pushing him right in that place where he wanted him to be.

  
  


"I...I know you feel something for me too, Magnus. Why are you doing this? Are you scared? I won't hurt you, at least not willingly. Tell me? What's making you act this way?"

  
  


Magnus was almost fainting under the assault of Alec's words and what’s going on inside him.

  
  


Then, silencing Raphael’s voice screaming in his head, he said, "We can't be together…"

"Why?"

"You have all your life in front of you! I have a past, a heavy one."

"If you hadn't noticed yet, mine is pretty heavy too."

"You have years...more years to come...I … you should go out with friends, go to parties and have fun...not be stuck here with me…"

  
  


Alec's cheeks flushed and he clenched his fists.

  
  


"I don't want to go to parties. I don't give a fuck of those things, never did. I just told you I  _ want _ to be stuck with you. Why won't you believe me? Do you think I'll change my mind and leave you? Uhm? Tell me!"

"Alec... I'm not the right one to take care of you the way you deserve…"

"What if I want to take care of you? It's not all about you, have you ever thought about this? I have dreams too…I want to love you, give me the chance to do that, let me in, please Magnus let me in…"

  
  


Magnus felt tears gathering in his eyes and he turned toward the wall.

"You don't know what you're talking about Alec, believe me."

  
  


"Magnus, I said I'm in love with you. These are not words that I say easily…"

  
  


Magnus remained silent.

"...I'm sorry if they're not enough."

  
  


Magnus heard his voice break in the end and that crack echoed in his heart, but before he could say or do anything, Alec was already gone.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	8. Only Know You Love Him When You Let Him Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become" - C. G. Jung

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is a rewording of a line in the song "Let Her Go" - Passenger

Running as fast as he could was something that Alec found still difficult to keep at bay.

He pushed the engine at his maximum and drove the bike into the highway. He didn't even know which direction he took, he just wanted the wind to blow away the words, the images, the shattered hopes, everything. 

He didn't want to stop, didn't want to turn back, didn't want anything. He was crying and the tears were blurring his vision.

  
  


All he could think about was Magnus and his words, Magnus and his fears, Magnus and Magnus alone.

He knew that Magnus hadn't meant to hurt him, he could feel that he was just terrified, still...he had really hoped to breach in.

  
  


The bike kept going as he pushed its speed to the very limit. He wanted to lose himself in that sensation, in the moment where his body became one thing with his bike and he cut the air as if he was a blade.

He had just the moment to realize that maybe he should be slowing down a bit, before it became all dark.

  
  
  


"Ragnor?" Magnus' voice was shaking.

"Magnus? What happened? Did something.go wrong with the trial?"

"No...no, everything went perfect…"

"Then what is it?"

"Is Alec there with you?"

"Alec? No, why are you even asking me since he was supposed to be with you...Magnus...what have you done to him?"

"I...I...he told me he was in love with me…"

"Damn that boy knows what he's doing I am so glad... _ wait _ ...and what did you do?"

"I pushed him away…"

  
  


At first Ragnor wanted to shout at him but then he realized how broken Magnus had sounded.

  
  


"You idiot, you need to stop pushing people away when all you want to do is keep them. How many times do I have to tell you?"

"Ragnor help me find him, please. His phone is off."

"Magnus …just give him time, Alec needs alone time to process things. Was he aware that you feel something for him too or was he angry?"

"No...he...was... defeated, he...I took away from him every hope…but...he told me he knew I had feelings..."

"Trust me, Magnus. He will come back. Give him time ok? And if he calls me, I'll tell him. Do you need me to come?"

"No, no...I...I'll wait, ehm Ragnor? Thanks."

  
  


He dropped the phone on the couch. All he wanted now was Alec beside him, how could have he been so blind to his feelings, shutting them down until he had seen Alec running away from him?

  
  


He was about to remove his shoes when his phone buzzed again. 

_ Unknown number. _

It seemed late for work, but it still happened sometimes.

"Hello?*

"Mr. Bane?"

"Yes, Magnus Bane."

"It's the 911. We are calling under Mr. Lightwood's request. He had a motorbike crash and we are taking him to the Greene County General Hospital."

Magnus' heart skipped a beat.

  
  


"Alec? Alexander! Is he ok?"

"He's unconscious now, but stable."

  
  


Magnus grabbed the keys and his jacket, running to the door at breakneck speed and jumping into the car. His heart was stammering in his chest and tears were running down his face. 

How could have he let Alec go away in that state of mind? Alec told him he tended to engage in dangerous behaviors when he was angry or sad.

  
  
  


He literally threw the car in the parking and rushed to the front doors of the Emergency Room.

  
  


"I...I’m Magnus Bane, they called me from the ambulance, Lightwood, Alec Lightwood."

The woman checked.

"Yes, he's arrived, he's under surgery now. The waiting room is there…"

"Surgery? How is he?"

"You need to wait for the medics to come and talk to you."

  
  


Magnus took his phone to call Cat and Ragnor, and sadly walked to the blue cushioned chairs, slumping on one, and hiding his face into his hands. 

  
  


He didn’t know how much time had passed, probably hours, when he heard steps approaching.

He raised his head and met the pale ghostly face of Robert Lightwood glaring at him in disbelief.

The man was taking his time to stare at his red teary eyes, but Magnus didn't care.

  
  


Behind the man were two young men and two women, the younger one so similar to Alec. 

She and the blond guy were staring at him too, wide eyed, but not as surprised as their father was.

  
  


Magnus' breath trapped in his chest, they knew.

  
  


"Why are you here?” Lightwood said. 

  
  


He was about to ask something else when a doctor came out from the door and Magnus snapped up.

The doctor removed the surgery mask and wiped the sweet from his forehead with a tired movement.

  
  


"Who’s Magnus Bane?" he asked and Magnus nodded feeling a shiver run down his back, his sweat becoming colder, his head spinning, his legs trembling under the  _ deja-vu _ . 

He had already been in a waiting room for hours when a doctor called out his name.

_ Raphael _ . 

It couldn't be possible, it couldn't be happening again, not Alec.

  
  


He felt an arm wrapping around his and squeezing.

"Mr. Lightwood's surgery went well, he is ok, he wants to see you. Do you need some water or something?" the doctor asked.

  
  


“I am the Lightwood here, what's happening?" Robert rushed toward the doctor. He was furious.

He turned to Magnus who was still processing the med's words as tears were gathering in his eyes.

"Why in the world are you here Bane and what have you got to do with my son? Is it your fault? Did you hit him with your car? Is that so? Is this why you told your friends to call us? At least you didn’t run away and left him on the ground..."

Magnus remained silent his whole body quivering. He didn't even have the strength to argue or reply back anything in his defence.

  
  


The doctor looked at him, recognizing the desperation of a man who had been waiting hours to have some news, along with the effects of the sudden drop of adrenaline in his system.

  
  


"He is here because your son asked for him, it's the only name he asked for before passing out on the ground and when we awakened him after the surgery."

  
  


Robert turned to look at him, again, his rage growing as he put those informations together and the realization hit him.

"What have you done to him? I heard from the grapevines that he was working with you on a case. You have ...taken advantage of him...did you?"

  
  


Magnus had never been so quiet and so defenseless in all his life. He waited a moment, his eyes lost and empty, then took a deep breath, disentangling from the doctor's grip, and turned to face Robert.

  
  


"I'm in love with him more than I ever realized until now unfortunately, and the only thing that in this moment I care about, is the fact that he almost died without knowing this."

  
  


His words echoed into the thick still air of the room.

  
  


"What are you talking about? My son isn't…like that," and he clenched his teeth, "anyway he's not  _ family  _ he shouldn't be here" and he faced the doctor again, aggressive and challenging, but the man didn't even flinch.

"It seems that your son, who’s conscious and grown up,  _ wants  _ him here and my patient's will is more important to me than any formal and bureaucratic protocol."

"He's not family, he can't go inside."

"Your son told me  _ he had no family _ to call when he woke up, and this should concern you as a father more than the fact that he is in love with another man. Now...I have work to do, so if you all agree that there are more important things to talk about, I'd go on telling you what happened to him and what we have done. Then you can see him, one at a time, and only if he  _ wants _ , starting with Mr. Bane."

  
  


He highlighted the words just to make himself more clear. Robert in the meantime had backed off, retiring beside his wife and behind his children.

The two elder ones came closer and the girl gently brushed Magnus' arm with her hand, a comforting kind gesture that made Magnus smile.

  
  


"Mr. Lightwood arrived here unconscious and with a comminuted fracture of his pelvis, that's why it took us so long. He's been lucky, that crash could have killed him, but the helmet and the protecting clothing did their job well. He lost a lot of blood since his femoral artery was injured too. Fortunately the paramedics were able to contain the blood loss until we sealed it. He'll be bed bound for a week, then he will use a wheelchair or a walker, before using the crutches. Apart from this, he's strong, he will recover perfectly. No signs of brain or any other internal organ damage. He's sleeping now I think, since it took me this long to let someone in," and his voice was hard again.

"Any further questions? You can find me here everyday if you need anything. Now I trust you all to behave as civil persons and take normal turns to get in there." He removed his cap and went back in.

  
  


The weirdness of the situation fell onto the room, leaving them all unsure of what to do or say.

  
  


Magnus wanted to rush in the ward but he was still trembling, until he felt a hand on his back.

It was the blond guy.

  
  


"I'm Jace. I am glad Alec has found you. He sounded so in love with you."

Magnus turned, the guilt consuming him, "Actually I think it's my fault he's ended up here,"

"Wait...what…," Jace was confused.

"He came to tell me that he was …," the words got stuck in his mouth. He pulled back, lowered his gaze to the floor, and got ready for the anger. But Jace instead stepped closer again.

"Alec told me that probably you weren't ready to hear that...and told me he would have waited for you to be, no matter how long it would have taken. It's not your fault."

Magnus raised his head to look at the boy and found only acceptance.

"He...Alec talked to you about me?"

  
  


"He talked to us about you, yes," a female voice added, "I'm Izzy and...you really should get in there now. We can talk later."

  
  


Magnus nodded, suddenly aware of the fact that the doctor had left and that he could enter and see him. 

  
  


He looked again at Alec's siblings with questioning eyes, then at Maryse and Robert. 

The woman smiled briefly, her eyes were wide and red, her cheeks crossed by tears and Magnus noticed that her hands were trembling along her skirt.

Robert turned around and shrugged, taking one hand to the corner of his eyes.

It was all Magnus needed to go in.

  
  
  


The ward was silent and filled by the dim few lights that came from some of the bedrooms. 

Magnus' heart was unsteady, alternating between racing peeks and abrupt skips in the rhythm, and he asked himself why in life we suddenly become ready for something right in the moment we are the closest to losing it.

  
  


He opened the door slowly, and his eyes filled with tears again as he saw Alec, eyes closed, and slowly breathing in his sleep. He was so beautiful.

He walked to the bed and sat beside Alec's low waist. He searched for Alec's hand under the sheets and gently skimmed his fingers on it, just happy to listen to the steady breath coming from him.

  
  


"First thing," he whispered, "we will install a speed limitation device on that bike…"

The ghost of what could have happened hit him again and he had to stop as more tears welled up in his eyes.

"Magnus..." the voice was raspy and hoarse, "... Won't need it."

  
  


Alec turned his head on the pillow searching for Magnus' eyes. His eyes lit when he found them.

  
  


"You'll be my limiter, the rope that keeps the boat secured to the land. I'm sorry I pushed that much, sorry I scared you, 'm not talking about this bike thing."

  
  


He coughed and hissed as the pain reverberated in his ribs and his hips.

  
  


Could tears change color? Because if they ever could, Magnus was sure that his ones had turned from translucent to gold. He was happy, so incredibly happy.

  
  


"Shhhh," he said moving his fingers up to Alec's dark locks, then to his jaw, "shhhh," he sniffed again and paused, relishing in the miracle happening inside his heart.

He scooted closer and kept on stroking Alec's hair. It was so intimate...now that he thought about that, it was something he felt the instinct to do on that first night on Alec's balcony.

  
  


"I...I still can't put my head around the fact that I have been your last thought before you passed out and your first when you woke up. I...this way of loving, this -- _ yes--  _ under any conditions, this is what scared me most of you. I...this unconditionality is something I have been searching for, for all my life and in the moment I realized I was holding it in my hands… I pulled back, as if I was holding fire. I didn't know how to handle that. You're that fire, Alec."

  
  


Alec was staring at him, as someone who had just had a vision, a sudden revelation, something too incredible to be believable.

  
  


"Can I?" Magnus asked quietly, leaning slowly toward Alec's lips.

Alec parted his lips a moment before Magnus touched him, whispering his -- _ yes--  _ into Magnus' mouth.

It was just soft open lips and merging breaths, slow and eager, heads tilted aside and noses brushing.

  
  


"I'm in love with you too...I swore to myself I'd never say those words again...to anyone…"

"You didn't know me then…I never give up…" Alec replied and kissed him once more.

  
  


"Your family is out here."

"Ugh? Who called them?"

"I did. Well I asked Cat to. Whatever happened between you and them, they had the right to know. They are waiting to see you before you fall asleep again."

  
  


Alec nodded, "You're not going away, are you?" and he grabbed his sleeve.

The grip was weak,"...'m not tired... want more kisses," he muttered and closed his eyes.

Magnus caressed his cheek, "There's no other place I'd rather be," and exited.

  
  


Izzy and Jace were waiting.

"How is he?"

"Sleepy and weak, but fine. You can go in."

"You could have stayed more," Izzy said.

  
  


Magnus smiled and looked at all of them. 

The time to hide was gone, "I'll stay for the night," he said and realized that he wouldn't have slept anymore far away from Alec.

  
  
  


He went out on the small balcony of the hospital to call Cat and Ragnor, when he saw him, Robert Lightwood was leaning on the railing.

_\--He's not a bad man--_ Alec's words echoed in his head. He looked defeated and lost, he was just a father now, a father dealing with his own mistakes.

  
  


Robert heard someone approaching and barely turned his head, just to spin it back instantly as he saw Magnus.

  
  


"Have you come to wave the flag of victory in front of my face?"

  
  


Magnus swallowed and got a little closer. It was incredibile how he felt no need at all to fight or argue back. Alec was alive, this was the only thing that mattered to him.

  
  


"He is ok, you can go and see him," Magnus told him.

Robert flinched and barely turned his head.

"He probably doesn't want to see me, he hates me. The doctor was right, I should have worried about this before he almost died."

  
  


Magnus had no confidence at all with that man in front of him, he had never talked to him apart from those political debates where they usually stood on opposite sides, still he felt the urge to say something. 

"Your son, Alec, is an incredible human being, with a heart full of understanding and compassion for all the ones he meets and loves. He doesn't hate you at all, on the contrary, he has been waiting for you to be ready to cross this bridge. And I know this for sure, not only because he told me, but also because he waited for me too. I did the same, if it is of any comfort to you. I had to see him almost dead to admit that I was in love with him but...is never too late...we both love him Robert, I guess it's enough. We both can start from here."

  
  


He revolved on his heels and went back inside again.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	9. Go Where Your Heart Sways

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change." When we like ourselves and who we are, change begins to happen" - C. Rogers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sex scene in the beginning.

The morning sun peeked in from the blinds and hit Magnus still closed eyelids. He groaned, as he stretched his back and legs, since by the mid of the night he decided to lay beside Alec and try to sleep a bit. 

  
  


He opened his eyes, letting them slowly adjust to the passage from darkness to light.

Alec was staring at him, his eyes open and wide, a sunny childlike smile deepening his dimples.

  
  


“You’re beautiful,” he whispered, “so beautiful…”

Magnus laughed gently, “I can imagine how beautiful I am after a night of terror and tears, beautiful yes…,” but Alec was looking at him with such adoration and love that the chuckles died on his lips as he swallowed twice, not really knowing what to do with  _ all this _ .

“You have to stop, Alexander, to look at me like that, I...I don’t know what to do…”

Alec curved hip lips a little higher, “...doesn’t matter, cause I do…,” and he tilted his head up, brushing Magnus’ lips gently.

  
  


A soft moan escaped from his mouth as Alec gently licked his upper lip, sliding his hand up to Magnus’ chin, keeping him there, deepening the kiss, and Magnus felt as if he'd never been kissed before in his life, Alec tearing down his walls with each stroke and lick of his tongue.

  
  


"I love you," he said out of breath pulling apart for a while before diving back in, his hands now both cupping Magnus' face, "thank you for letting me in," and Magnus lost himself in that kiss, his heart singing along as this new reality embraced him.

  
  
  
  


Alec remained bed bound for one week and Magnus never left his side. He canceled all the unnecessary obligations and sent his most skilled practitioners to all the court hearings he couldn't postpone or reschedule.

He took turns with Izzy and Jace just to go home, have a shower and change in some clean clothes.

  
  
  


On Alec's first afternoon on the wheelchair Magnus' stepped inside his room and pushed him toward the garden, "Close your eyes," he giggled, and suddenly Alec was enclosed in a tight embrace, two thin arms clutching his neck, "Rafael" he said almost crying.

  
  


The boy sat on his lap as Alec kept telling him about the days at the hospital, Magnus watching them, the lingering hope of a family filling his heart.

  
  
  
  


In three weeks Alec was ready to go home, and it came naturally to both of them arranging to move in together. At first Magnus' home seemed the better choice, since it was larger and more comfortable, but Magnus insisted on moving to Alec's place, "I love the view," he said, “and I want a new start.”

As Alec's range of motion improved, their make-out sessions on his bed had evolved in hands touching and exploring, leaving them giggling and drunk in desire and excitement, always challenging the risk to be caught. 

  
  


Alec was discharged with the prescription of doing long walks and swimming, no bike riding and no heavy physical activity that could put too much strain on his pelvis, at least for the next three months.

  
  
  


Izzy organized a  _ welcome home _ party on Alec's balcony and the one who opened the door to him and Magnus was Robert. He had left his party and stepped down from his position as city mayor, going back to teach Literature at the local University. He had even helped Magnus move his things in the previous days.

  
  


"What have you done to him?" Alec whispered in Magnus' ears as they were slowly dancing under the stars when all the others had left the party.

"The same thing you have done to me," Magnus whispered back, skimming his nose along Alec's cheek and temple.

"And that would be?"

"Forcing him to listen."

Alec kissed him, moving his feet blindly and slowly, knowing exactly where he wanted them to take him. 

He stopped near the railing revolving Magnus to pin him against it and caged him between his arms. 

The view was breathtaking. The bright lights in the distance were sparkling in the night. Alec dropped a kiss behind Magnus' ear, his lips descending on the back of his neck.

  
  


He had been waiting for all those weeks to have Magnus all for himself, to have some time alone for them. 

His kisses turned sloppier and open mouthed, making Magnus shiver.

"Alec…," he sighed, turning in his arms and kissing him.

"What?" Alec's breaths were shallow and short as he kept moving his lips against Magnus, "I've been dreaming about this since the first time you and I had dinner here, and I've been wanting this until you first kissed me…," and he pressed their lips together again, kissing Magnus senseless, until they were both panting heavily.

  
  


Magnus slid his hands behind Alec's low waist, pulling him closer, making him gasp as their hips brushed lightly at first, and then grinded.

Alec cradled Magnus' face in both of his hands, holding him with love and tenderness, Magnus' face disappearing between his forefingers that were gently caressing his temples.

"These," he said tracing the few stripes of grey hair standing out against Magnus' shining black hair, "these are driving me insane," his voice husky and filled with lust, "make love to me? Will you?" and Magnus pushed him backward, gently, careful to where their feet landed, as Alec kept sucking Magnus' lower lip while tugging at his sweater. 

  
  


They got loose of their clothes while moving, Alec clutching Magnus' arms as he slid his palms up to his broad chest, lingering upon his nipples, hands too frantic and eager to wait for the bed to be opened.

They laid down on the couch, one dragging the other down, until they were kissing again, their bodies merging perfectly as two pieces of a puzzle.

There would have been a time to worship and discover slowly, not tonight though, tonight was only a rush of desire, a frantic need to belong to someone, sparkles of lust.

  
  


Magnus hooked his fingers in the waistband of Alec's briefs and sweatpants and Alec tilted his hips up, letting them fall down along his thighs.

  
  


"I've never seen anything so beautiful in my life, Alexander," Magnus breathed warmly on his skin as he was slowly descending from his neck, leaving a trail of wet kisses along the way, making Alec’s back leap from the couch as he gave a first kitten lick to the head of his cock.

Magnus knew what he was doing, Alec thought, writhing and squirming against the velvet fabric of the couch, his fingers curling into Magnus' hair.

  
  


"Magnus, Magnus, Magnus…"

"My name sounds so beautiful on your lips, Alexander, say it again,"and he rose up, straddling Alec's thighs.

"Magnus…," Alec was smiling, looking at him, his hair wild and disheveled, his eyes blown wide, as he stretched one arm to cradle his cheek, “I love you, so much it almost hurts and it’s not too soon, cause I’ve been loving you even when I didn’t know you.”

Magnus eyes were glistening, he leaned down and kissed him with passion, stealing the life from his core, then placed a hand above Alec’s stammering heart, “I’ve been searching for you all my life, in every man and woman I’ve been with, in all those stories I pretended to be incredible. However, I always ended up defeated and battered, licking my own wounds alone, each time more persuaded that I would have never found you. And when I had lost all my hopes, you arrived with your tenderness, your patience, and your kindness, washing me with emotions so wild and overpowering, and brought me back to life. Here begins the second time of my life, with you. I love you too, Alexander.”

  
  


He kissed him again and took his hands, gently guiding them on his back, first above his tailbone, then pushing them down a little lower.

Alec’s fingers instinctively curled around the flesh, grabbing it, gasping as if he was drowning, eyes wide as he understood the silent request Magnus had just made him.

  
  


He saw Magnus grasping a bottle between the cushions and his moans turned into a soft laughter.

“I knew where we were getting tonight,” Magnus whispered, “so I  _ planned _ …”

“Magnus I…”

“I know, I know you wanted me to make love to you, but… you’re still healing, let me do all the work.”

  
  


The liquid was cold, almost icy against Alec’s burning hands, he was opening and closing his fingers to spread it, almost entranced when he reached behind Magnus, one hand thrusting into him, the other stroking his cock.

  
  


Magnus dropped on his elbows and caged him between his arms as Alec’s movements became more insistent and aimed, gasps turning into moans until Magnus mewled and grabbed Alec’s wrist, halting him.

  
  


Alec squinted his eyes shut as Magnus slowly descended on him, rolling his hips back and forth, until Alec was buried deep inside of him. It had been a long time since Magnus had allowed himself to be so vulnerable.

  
  


“Don’t move,” Alec breathed out, his fists clenching the sheets. He was perspiring and struggling in the attempt to tame the sudden burst of pleasure rushing through him in waves, trying to inhale deep long breaths.

Magnus stopped and laid his hand on Alec’s chest, gently caressing here and there, waiting for him to come back from the edge, “You’re so breathtaking in the intensity and fullness of how you love and give yourself, never sparing or saving up.”

  
  


As soon as Alec nodded, they started moving together, their love making a perfect mixture of strength and rhythm, poetry and agility, a dance and a struggle, the sublimation of differences and antagonisms in one.

  
  


They remained on the couch for a long time, their bodies covered by the small quivering lights coming from outside, holding each other and talking, and resting on Alec’s chest Magnus found his new home, his new safe place, the one where he’d always belonged.

  
  


Days became week and weeks turned into months. Alec went back to work and to his volunteering days, bringing Magnus with him.

There was a joy filling Magnus’ heart whenever he saw those kids, a joy he had been missing for all his life. 

  
  
  


They had been living together for six months now, when on a normal Friday morning, as they were getting ready for work, they received the phone call who would have changed their lives, again.

  
  


“Magnus Bane speaking,” the number on his phone was unknown.

Alec saw Magnus’ face changing from awe, to astonishment, to worry. He was giving one-word answers, humming, and sighing. He dropped the coffee cups he had just filled on the table and went beside him, his hand resting on Magnus’ shoulder.

  
  


“What is it?” he asked as soon as Magnus closed the call.

“It was the Family Court.”

“What for?”

  
  


Magnus sighed against, letting himself fall on the bed still open in the middle of the room. He had everything with Alec beside him, why was this news affecting and bothering him so much?

  
  


“Remember when I told you that me and Camille had made an adoption application?”

Alec nodded and sat beside him, it was clear that something was bothering him.

“They...they accepted it…,” he kept staring at the floor and seemed lost somewhere.

“Why is this making you sad?” Alec asked, taking his hand.

  
  


Magnus knew it, he was sure that this question was coming, because Alec never missed anything about him. What should he do? Deny the truth? Hide his desires and his thoughts? 

  
  
  


“My mind went straight to Rafael. He’s still there in foster care and no family seems interested in adopting him. He’s precious to me, Alexander, not only for what he had gone through. He reminds me of the only other human being I have loved with all my heart. Raphael has been my best friend and the best part of me since we’ve known each other. He died three years ago and left a hole in my heart that … thay boy is just like him.”

“What’s the problem then?”

“I know it’s a stupid thing, but… I was thinking about how ironic this thing is. When I applied first, I didn’t want to be a father and I knew it was the worst decision ever, doing that with Camille, nonetheless, I agreed. Now that they said that I’m suitable and I want to be a father, I can’t. ”

  
  
  


Alec remained silent processing Magnus’ words, repeating them one by one in his head, figuring out the unsaid. His heart was beating fast and he realized his hands were shaking on his thighs. He had to know, this was something that couldn’t be postponed.

  
  


“You can’t because you’re with me? Right?” his voice was trembling in hurt. He didn’t want to be the reason for that sacrifice.

Magnus realized where Alec’s mind had gone and took his hands, “No. Not at all. I can’t because I’d be a lonely parent and...they prefer couples, especially for kids like Rafael.”

  
  


He looked at Alec smiling, but where he thought he would have found relief, he saw a deeper pain.

  
  


Alec retreaded his hands, stood up and rushed out on the balcony. He felt like crying. Magnus followed him, not really understanding what was happening.

  
  


He tried to make Alec turn, tugging at his arm, and when he realized it was a losing battle, he hugged him from behind, resting his head between his shoulders blades.

“Hey…, talk to me Alec.”

  
  


Alec exhaled, “The problem is me, because you don’t want to do that with me.”

Magnus pulled back, trying to figure out what in the world Alec was talking about.

“I told you, it’s not you.”

  
  


Alec turned, his eyes were red and so were his cheeks, he looked angry and desperate at the same time.

  
  


“You said they prefer couples...aren’t we then? I mean, me and you. Aren’t we?”, he was shaking again and he felt he couldn’t bear to look Magnus in his eyes as he was waiting for an answer. 

  
  


Magnus eyes widened up to his brows as he realized what Alec was implying and why he looked so hurt.

  
  


He took Alec’s chin between his fingers, gently coaxing him to raise his head.

“Is that what you were thinking? That I wouldn’t want you to be the father of my children?”

  
  


Alec shied away.

  
  


“I’m sorry, Alec. As it often happens to me, I tend to draw conclusions even when I’m not the one taking the decisions. The only reason why I did not ask you, it’s because I wrongly  _ assumed _ that you wouldn't want a child now. You’re young, Alec, so young, and...we’ve been together just for six months...I… figured I hadn’t any right to ask you something so huge. It’s a choice that carries heavy long term consequences. You’re still studying and… maybe you have dreams for yourself and your future … and maybe these dreams won’t include me and a family...I...want you to be free to choose what’s best for you, I don’t want you to feel chained or trapped…”

The words died on his lips as Alec kissed him.

“I’ve always dreamt of meeting someone like you, and there has not been a day in these months that we shared, in which I thought that I was missing something or giving up better alternatives. If you want me, I want to stay with you until we’re both grey, wrinkled and barely standing. So… yes, Magnus, I want to be the father of your children, and I want to start with Rafael, if the Court will think that we are the right ones for him.”

  
  


Magnus scratched his nose with one finger, trying to contain his emotions.

  
  


“Ok, let’s go to the Family Court then, we have a kid to bring home.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading this!
> 
> Find me on Tumblr brightasstars.tumblr.com
> 
> If you're 18+ join us in the Hunters Moon Server


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